Respect- what he craves

 

I am writing this as one wife to another. Our wedding day vow to respect our husbands is under attack.    There is an enemy whose desire is to cause division between husband and wife, to undermine what God declared very good.

There is a subtle, but powerful tool the enemy uses.  Many women think it innocent and have no idea it can be detrimental to their marriage.   Are you ready for it? Drum-roll please……soap operas,  romantic movies and romance novels.   A notion of what a man should look like, how he should act, how romantic he should be etc. leaves some women dissatisfied with whom they have cleaved to. No man can measure up to that fantasy. Indeed he is not real.

Dr. Sara Williams in her lecture on Sexuality in the Modern Paradigm said;

“We all marry the wrong person. We just don’t know at the time how wrong.” She believes these romantic notions people carry do not help marriage.

We all need to cultivate viewing our husbands through the lens of respect. He is not perfect but he has great strengths that need to be meditated on and celebrated. We can look for the good. I refuse to hold onto critical thoughts about my husband. It is a choice. Look for ways to appreciate your husband. Make a conscious effort to meditate on his good qualities.   Choosing respect can be challenging.  There is a culture perpetrated in the media of disrespecting and demeaning to men, particularly in advertising.

Most men don’t actually “have it all”. If a man is a good provider, faithful and honourable, that does not necessarily go hand in hand with charm, poetry and roses served weekly. If your husband is not a great conversationalist, remind yourself that he is not your girlfriend. Ladies, you still need your girlfriends.

I find it disturbing when women get together and the conversation goes down the path of complaining about their husbands. Respecting my husband includes speaking well of him even when he’s not within earshot..

I had a dear friend introduce me to her girlfriend in a really curious manner. She said; “This is Carolyn.  She reeeally loves her husband Marty.” I thought it was an unusual thing to say. But perhaps it’s because she noticed my respect for my husband.

It has not always been this way. The first ten months of our marriage were difficult. I came from a line of controlling women who would tell their husbands what to do. And how to do it. I even had the urge to tell my husband when to put the turn signal on when he was driving. I remember having to purse my lips while reminding myself “He has been driving successfully all these years. He does not need me telling him how to drive!” This was a constant battle inside my head for months. I had this constant urge to speak to him like he were a child as if he needed me to tell him what to do. Respect and submission did not come easily to me. I wanted to submit- to adapt myself to my husband-,but it was like I was in rebellion wanting to rule over him.

The day of transformation came ten months into our marriage.  We were out for a walk in our neighborhood. Marty turned to me and said “Carolyn, I don’t know what it is, but I feel like you are disrespecting me.”

I responded with “I know. I feel it too.” Then suddenly it hit me, the revelation of the word of God hit me. The passage in Genesis that I thought did not apply to me because I had been set free from the curse of sin and death…..

Genesis 3:16 states as part of the curse“…Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you”.

This sounds a bit strange for a curse, doesn’t it? Isn’t desire for you husband a good thing? The same phrase is used in the next chapter where God is addressing Cain.

Genesis 4:7b“Sin is crouching at the door and its desire is for you, but you must master it”.

Sin’s “desire” in this verse is a desire to rule over Cain to become his master, to have control.

My desire was to rule over my husband, and yet, he would rule over me. Talk about a power struggle!

I recognized it for what it was. I saw this clearly for the first time. This applied to me. I repented right then and there on the sidewalk to God and to my husband. Something shifted in my spirit at that moment. The desire to rule was broken. The next day I saw a huge difference. Marty said something and where usually I would silently disagree or undermine his view, I found his views enlightening and interesting. This desire to rule over him was completely gone! Our marriage has become sweeter since. No more power struggles. Respect is no longer a battle, and for that I am so grateful.

I am aware we don’t share the same husband. Your marriage has its own unique flavour. I don’t know your circumstances and your daily struggles. However I do know this: your man had enough going for him that you married him.   He has redeeming characteristics. Try on the lens of respect. Chose to view him differently. It will cultivate feelings of love in both of you. When he gets the respect he craves, his feelings of love towards his bride come naturally.

Carolyn Furse